30 Ways to Irritate Your Best Friend
by smithwesson
Summary: Lupin is turning the big 30, and Fujiko needs a little help from Jigen and Goemon in 'retrieving' his present. PG13 for language, just to be safe. CH 4 Up. please R&R.
1. CH1

She was tired of waiting. He was over 20 minutes late, and she was beginning to get very agitated. This would all be made easier if he would simply get a cell phone. But nooo-oo. God forbid people were actually able to get a hold of him. 10 minutes. That was all he had left. Then she was leaving.

8 minutes and counting. She heard a familiar gruff voice over the dim chatter of the restaurant. Standing up, she saw his black fedora bobbing in between tables.

"Hmh." A sound of disapproval issued from her throat as he approached her. Before he had a chance to say a word she planned to make sure he understood exactly why she was enticed to pluck out all of the hairs in his beard one by one while forcing him to sit through every season of Sex and the City.

"Sorry, Fujiko I -"

"Sorry? Oh, I'm sure you're sorry mister I don't know how to show up anywhere on time! Ya know, when I asked for you help I didn't mean when it's convenient for you. I'm a _very_ busy woman and when I make appointments, I keep them. Maybe you should learn something called common courtesy Or at least get a damn cell phone."

After her diatribe, Fujiko took her seat once again. Jigen, deciding he had done enough to agitate the busty brunette for one night, sat down and immediately lit a cigarette. The waiter came by, taking their drink orders: a cosmopolitan for Fujiko and a scotch on the rocks for Jigen.

"Now," Fujiko began once the waiter had left. "I am taking this very seriously. This is, after all Lupin's 30th. Whatever you do, do NOT give him even the slightest inkling that we're planning a party, otherwise I know he'll go out of his way to disappear for the night, if not the rest of the month. He's already doing is best to forget he even HAS a birthday."

Jigen snickered. "He's spent the last week in a drunken stupor. Hell, he's even givin' me a run for my money. You should see the kitchen. Filled with empty liquor bottles. I go buy the stuff, he drinks it before I can even get it out of the bag."

Fujiko frowned slightly. "All the more reason to make sure he doesn't find out. And as wiley as Lupin is, it wouldn't take much for him to catch a scent. And then it would be bye-bye monkey boy."

Jigen exhaled a puff of smoke. "This is all fine and good, Fujiko. You seem to have everything under control, so uh... What is it you want from me?"

Fujiko fidgeted nervously in her seat for a moment, then, putting on her best getting-what-I-want-and-I-know-it face, she batted her eyes at the gunman and smiled sweetly.

"I need you to steal his birthday present for me."

Jigen coughed on his cigarette smoke.

"Oh not just you!" Fujiko quickly tried to backtrack before Jigen could make a scathing inquiry into what exactly was wrong with her own thieving ability. "I mean both you and Goemon."

This simply made him cough harder.

After drinking some water, Jigen regained the use of his vocal chords, and, doing his best not to call Fujiko some very inappropriate names chose instead to do what she knew he would do.

"What's the matter, Fujiko? Suddenly lose the ability to keep your eye on the prize and your hand on a guys.. Well, you know how the rest goes."

Fujiko tried to smile instead of scowl. She was mildly successful.

"It's not that, Jigen. It's just that, well, what I want to get Lupin for his birthday isn't exactly something that can be kept in your back pocket."


	2. CH2

Disclaimer: Forgot to do this last time. I own zero Lupins. Nada Lupins. Nine Lupins. Er, wait. Yeah. And yes, the present actually exists and so does the company that makes it (which I also do not own... Please don't sue me). If you dig around enough on the internet, I promise you'll find it.

* * *

Goemon had been trying, and failing, to meditate.

"Transcend. Transcend. I must... Transcend..." Even the infinite patience of a samurai would begin to wear thin after listening to a drunken Lupin sing his own rendition of 'My Bonnie Lies Over the Ocean' for the past 3 hours.

Goemon had had enough.

"LUPIN! PLEASE! Show some dignity! Age is a sign of wisdom! Instead, you treat it as if someone has punished you to a life of dishonor and shame."

Lupin stopped singing.

Goemon sighed with relief.

This time, when Lupin opened his mouth, it was to wail.

"Buh-buh-but I'm _old_ Goemon! O-L-D! Fujiko isn't gonna want me when I'm so.. So... OOOLLLDD!"

Lupin took a deep, ragged, breath.

"She'll leave me! LEAVE! She's so young and beautiful and and and and... She'll leave meee-ee-ee-e!"

"Yes, Lupin, you said that part already. I fail to understand why you are so concerned with that woman. She has caused you - no, all of us - nothing more than trouble. Not to mention a lot of money."

Lupin grabbed the nearest bottle, and, finding it empty, threw it down onto the counter causing it to break. He stared at the shards of glass, and then broke into tears.

"I'm just like that bottle, Goemon! Broken and useless! Broken, useless and OLD!" He continued to snivel to himself.

Goemon stood there for a moment, then responded with "That could possibly be the most profound thing I have ever heard you say." He turned and headed for his room.

* * *

All around the restaurant, couples were quietly enjoying their dinner. A pianist played a Bach etude softly in the background. And Jigen was in a state of serious dismay.

"You've got to be friggin kidding me, Fujiko. You want to get him one of these things? Do you have any idea how difficult this is going to be? I mean, honestly. Did you think this through or did you just see a picture of it in Glamour magazine and think 'ooh, shiny! Lupin will love it?'"

Fujiko frowned slightly. "Really, Jigen. Do you know how hard it is to shop for the man who literally has everything? I put a lot of thought into this present, and I think he'll appreciate it. Plus, I know for sure he doesn't have one. Moller International has barely allowed any press coverage to be released on their new Skycar volantor. If Lupin has even heard of this thing I will be shocked."

Jigen turned the picture over in his hands. He was still unsure if he believed what he was seeing. The picture was of a red vehicle that looked like a hybrid of a very expensive sports car and a small fighter jet. It was red, had turbine like engines attached to the sides and back, and was actually hovering above the ground.

"Do you have any specs on this thing? Like how fast it goes, or how safe it is?"

"I'm glad you asked, Jigen. I do, actually. I _have _done my homework." Fujiko winked. "It's top speed is said to be somewhere around 350mph. And really, the gas mileage isn't too bad considering it's a mini Jetsons car come to life. It has emergency parachutes, should anything happen in midflight - the Skycar version of the airbag. And it can hold 4 passengers. So, it could even prove to be useful. It mostly flies itself as it is installed with computers that manage flight stability and control, all the person driving is required to do is steer in the right direction. If Lupin can fly a 747, and he has, he can handle one of these."

Jigen knit his brow in thought.

"I assume you have concocted a brilliant plan to get this thing from California to Japan?" He finally questioned after a considerable silence.

"Well, it does _fly, _Jigen."

Jigen stared at Fujiko as if she had just changed colors.

"Yes, Fujiko. It flies. It flies short distances. However, I don't imagine it was built to fly over the goddamn OCEAN."

Jigen's outburst turned a few heads.

"It has a 750 mile range," Fujiko said patiently. "My plan was to fly it from Davis, California - the US Moller headquarters - to San Francisco, a mere 65 miles. From there, rent a private jet and simply transport it through Hawaii to Japan. Is that satisfactory?"

Jigen rolled the idea around in his mind a bit. It would work. Of course, the biggest challenge would be actually stealing the damn thing, but provided that went OK, everything else would be cake.

"All right, Fujiko. Gimme a day or two to think things through and talk to Goemon. I can't promise anything yet, but I'll see what he says. I don't know why the hell I'm even considering doing this for you. But, I'll give it a shot."

Fujiko smiled. "Thank you, Jigen. Really. I appreciate it."

"Yeah, yeah. Just try to make sure Lupin doesn't drink himself into an early grave, OK?"


	3. CH3

It's official, Goemon thought to himself as he stared at Jigen in utter bewilderment, the man has killed so many brain cells that he has silently slipped into insanity.

Jigen had just finished telling his partner about Fujiko's birthday idea. He knew Goemon would protest. He knew Goemon would give him that look that he usually only reserved for Lupin when he committed acts of extreme stupidity. He knew Goemon would probably flat out say 'no.' He did not think he would render the samurai speechless.

Jigen coughed nervously. "C'mon, Goemon. You have to have something to say about all this."

The samurai continued to glare, expressionless.

Sighing, the gunman pulled out a cigarette. He had brought it to his lips before he realized that all that was left of it was the butt.

Hmm, he said inwardly. Guess he's more pissed off than I thought.

He was preparing to duck and cover, lest Goemon decide to turn his fedora into so much useless fabric, when he heard Lupin's familiar voice come wafting into the room.

"Jiji! You're hoooome!" Lupin rushed at Jigen, throwing his arms around his partners bony frame and hugging him tightly.

"Ahh, Lupin! I hate it when you call me that! And will you let go, you're smashing my cigarettes."

Lupin slunk back reluctantly. "I'm sorry." His bottom lip quivered.

"Oh crap... Uh... Don't cry, Lupin," Jigen said hurriedly. "It's OK. My cigarettes are fine. Really."

"He's been like this all night," Goemon added. "I would have appreciated some assistance. When Lupin is drunk, he is more unpredictable than a certain woman who shall remain nameless."

"I'm going to pretend as if I didn't hear that," the lanky thief replied haughtily. "Would anyone like to join me for a round of golf?"

Jigen and Goemon exchanged confused glances.

"Lupin, you do realize it is 11 o clock at night, right? Golf isn't the type of game to play in the dark, especially in your condition," Jigen warned.

"Oh puhh-lleeease, Jigen. _My _condition. You make it sound like I'm some kind of geriatrics patient on tranquilizers. Pffffft! I'm fiiiiine! A lil drunk, but fiiiiiine."

Lupin turned and left the room, singing "My Fuuuji lies over the ocean! My Fuuuji lies over the seeeaa. My Fuuuuji lies over the ocean, so bring back my Fuuji to meeee!"

"All night, Jigen!" Goemon made a waving motion with his hand once Lupin was out of earshot. "All night I have been listening to that wretched song! It is enough to drive a man insane, which, by the way, I am now thoroughly convinced is the direction you have just headed."

Jigen shrugged. "Fair enough, man. I know it's a crazy scheme and I know that broad has really never done much in the way for us, but I see it this way, Goemon, this is as much for Lupin as it is for her. Just look at the guy! He's a friggin wreck. He's gonna end up in a real bad place if he keeps going the way he is, and I don't want to see my friend travel that road. I've been there myself, and it's no good for anyone."'

Goemon cast is eyes downward. "I understand your concern. I, too, am worried about his mental state. The past few days, he has been deteriorating faster than I could have ever imagined. I had no idea turning 30 would have this impact on him. I suppose I was incorrect in assuming he was of stronger character."

Cautiously bringing another cigarette to his mouth in the hopes Goemon would not do away with it, Jigen lit the end and took a deep drag, allowing the nicotine to thoroughly saturate his lungs. His exhale was one part smoke, one part sigh of contentment. He closed his eyes as he felt that familiar wave of placidity sweep over his body.

"OK, Jigen. I will do it."

Jigen opened his eyes. "Good. Glad I could talk you over to my side."

"Hmh. I would not be doing this if I did not think it would make Lupin happy. He is my friend and my business partner, and much like you, I do not like to see him in this mindset."

Nodding, Jigen extinguished his cigarette in a nearby ashtray. "I've gotta give Fujiko a call tomorrow. Let her know we're in. She says she has some connections at the company that might be able to help us gain access. Make things a bit easier on us."

Jigen turned to leave the room, then paused and added, "Thanks for helping, man. I know Lupin can be a real pain in the ass. And I know I can be one, too."

"Well," Goemon retorted. "You both certainly know how to keep a man from achieving enlightenment."


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: I don't own Lupin, Jigen, Goemon or Fujiko. And I certainly don't own Moller Int.

* * *

It was 7:35 in the goddamn morning and the phone was ringing. Lupin didn't especially care why it was making all that racket, or who might happen to be on the other end of the line, he just knew it was making his head hurt in that nagging way that warns of a hangover looming on the horizon. 

"Someone answer the phone," he managed to croak. There was no one around to hear him croaking.

* * *

Jigen was up. It was friggin early and he was friggin tired, he could desperately use a cigarette and a stiff drink, but he was awake. 

"Friggin Fujiko..." was all he had managed to say before the proprietor of said name made an appearance in the crowded airport.

He thoroughly planned to continue cursing her all the way to California - if for no other reason then the fact it simply made him _feel _better - but for the moment decided to keep his rather dirty string of vocabulary to himself. No sense in rising her ire.

"Jigen, glad you made it on time," Fujiko remarked, tossing her hair - today she donned a blonde wig - over her shoulder in a casual gesture. "I just called to see if you had left the house yet. I hope I didn't wake poor Lupin."

Jigen grunted by way of response.

"Where is Goemon? I thought you said he agreed to come?"

The gunman pointed over his shoulder to a small cafe. "He's grabbing me some coffee to dump this bottle of scotch into so I don't have to be conscious for the entire flight."

Fujiko gave him a disapproving glance, but held her tongue.

The pair waited for Goemon before wandering off to a relatively deserted corner so Fujiko could provide them with some necessary documents.

"Sorry I wasn't able to give these to you a bit earlier. It took longer than I expected for everything to get here."

She handed each of them a small envelope and a larger package wrapped in brown paper.

"The envelopes contain security passes to help you gain access to the building. There's also a small map in there. All of the exits have been marked, as well as the security room and the easiest and most direct path to the location of the target. The packages contain uniforms. I obtained all of this from an old contact of mine who will be meeting you at the airport in California. Her name is Shannon Phillips. She has some more information to give you when you arrive."

Fujiko paused for a moment and reached into her bag to remove what looked like cell phones.

"Keep these on you at all times. They're transmitting devices. They pinpoint your location through satellite and can emit an emergency signal should something go wrong. Just press this button - " she pointed to a small green button on the underside of the transmitter - "and I'll pick up the signal on my end."

She looked back and forth between the two thieves, awaiting questions. When none came, she snapped her bag shut and stood.

"If you gentlemen don't have any other concerns, then I'll let you be on your way."

She had turned to leave when a gruff hand grabbed her elbow. She glanced back at Jigen as he tilted his hat upwards, exposing his eyes, a rare sign that she knew denoted his seriousness.

"Remember what I said?" The gunman warned. "Keep an eye on him for us. Don't let him do anything stupid. And for God's sakes don't say anything about his birthday."


End file.
